History.

This time last year was not one of my proudest high-school moments.
I allowed this boy to walk all over my heart, he let me go, then came back, and I let him back in, only for him to do the same thing all over again.  He let me go through a text message the first time, I cried to my mom in a bank parking lot by Davidson College, I sucked it up and went to the first high school basketball game of my senior year - he was there too.  He sat next to me and acted like nothing had happened, like he hadn't just used the most cliche "I don't want to ruin our friendship line."  I ignored him.
Things changed, I let him back in.  By letting him back in I also let back lots of harassment by other girls in the school - in the hallways, on facebook, showing up to my house, everywhere I turned I was getting ambushed by something I didn't think I deserved.  This was rough for me.  I knew I didn't deserve what was happening to me, and I knew somewhere in my mind that being with this boy was not a good idea, yet I did it anyways.  this was my stubborn-im-going-to-act-like-you-dont-hurt-my-feelings stage.

I am not ashamed of those days, they taught me a lot.
I am not the same person I was today, one year ago.

I no longer have to wake up and walk the halls of Lake Norman High School.

I don't receive mean texts, messages, or have people show up at my door.

My heart isn't being walked all over.

I wake up to see people who I love.

My heart is full, my heart is happy. 

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I am an overthinker. 

If it was a sport I promise I could win an Olympic medal. 

At night I torture myself with thoughts of things I can't control, sometimes it builds up over days to the point where I can't handle it anymore.  Its exhausting and I feel like it is something I can't control.  When things get hard, I shut down.  I sit in my room with my computer, or I try to sleep.  When I feel like I can't handle things anymore something comes into my life that allows me to release it all.  Sometimes its words from my best friend calling me out of the fact that i've been too quiet lately, i'm not laughing, or responding like I usually do. I tell him i'm not ready to talk about it, he tells me he'll be there when I am. Sometimes its letters from my sister, telling me that i'm strong, and she loves watching me grow up.  Its emails from my brother giving me lists of all the things he wants to do when he gets off his mission.  These things make me feel much better about my life, these things help me stop from stressin so much.

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I don't know how any kid would ever gain a freshman 15.  Maybe its because I missed the whole dorm experience and jumped right into an apartment and having to buy my own food.  No meal plan, no cafeteria, just my bank account, and Maceys grocery store.  My stomach has shrunk.  I used to be able to take down a number 1 meal from Mcdonalds and still be hungry.  I could eat endless amounts of fried chicken, fries, biscuits, grits, sandwiches, you name it and I would have taken three.  These days I eat Western Family Macaroni (65 cents a box), grilled cheese (occasionally with tomato soup), and quesadillas. Apparently these are the three cheapest meals/easiest meals you can eat as a college kid.  And although I am now a BOSS at making all three of these things, my stomach is tired of them.  I used to love macaroni, I used to be so excited when we would cook it for dinner, now I despise it and dread eating it, yet I still do.  Grilled Cheese were rarity's, for some reason I never made them at home - this is currently my go to meal.  Cheese quesadillas, yum - but also frustrating to eat every other day.  Sometimes I splurge and buy myself pringles, I eat a few a day so I can make sure they last.  I still own two boxed of hamburger helper...but no hamburger.  I can't wait to go home and have my mom cook for me again...or go out to eat and not have to pay for it.

I go home in 24 days, not that i'm counting.

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"You are more that the choices that you've made,

You are more that the sum of your past mistakes, 

You are more that the problems you create,

You've been remade."