Kinda Love This...

Although her voice annoys me when she is just plain talking, I kind of love it when she sings this.

History.

This time last year was not one of my proudest high-school moments.
I allowed this boy to walk all over my heart, he let me go, then came back, and I let him back in, only for him to do the same thing all over again.  He let me go through a text message the first time, I cried to my mom in a bank parking lot by Davidson College, I sucked it up and went to the first high school basketball game of my senior year - he was there too.  He sat next to me and acted like nothing had happened, like he hadn't just used the most cliche "I don't want to ruin our friendship line."  I ignored him.
Things changed, I let him back in.  By letting him back in I also let back lots of harassment by other girls in the school - in the hallways, on facebook, showing up to my house, everywhere I turned I was getting ambushed by something I didn't think I deserved.  This was rough for me.  I knew I didn't deserve what was happening to me, and I knew somewhere in my mind that being with this boy was not a good idea, yet I did it anyways.  this was my stubborn-im-going-to-act-like-you-dont-hurt-my-feelings stage.

I am not ashamed of those days, they taught me a lot.
I am not the same person I was today, one year ago.

I no longer have to wake up and walk the halls of Lake Norman High School.

I don't receive mean texts, messages, or have people show up at my door.

My heart isn't being walked all over.

I wake up to see people who I love.

My heart is full, my heart is happy. 

********

I am an overthinker. 

If it was a sport I promise I could win an Olympic medal. 

At night I torture myself with thoughts of things I can't control, sometimes it builds up over days to the point where I can't handle it anymore.  Its exhausting and I feel like it is something I can't control.  When things get hard, I shut down.  I sit in my room with my computer, or I try to sleep.  When I feel like I can't handle things anymore something comes into my life that allows me to release it all.  Sometimes its words from my best friend calling me out of the fact that i've been too quiet lately, i'm not laughing, or responding like I usually do. I tell him i'm not ready to talk about it, he tells me he'll be there when I am. Sometimes its letters from my sister, telling me that i'm strong, and she loves watching me grow up.  Its emails from my brother giving me lists of all the things he wants to do when he gets off his mission.  These things make me feel much better about my life, these things help me stop from stressin so much.

********

I don't know how any kid would ever gain a freshman 15.  Maybe its because I missed the whole dorm experience and jumped right into an apartment and having to buy my own food.  No meal plan, no cafeteria, just my bank account, and Maceys grocery store.  My stomach has shrunk.  I used to be able to take down a number 1 meal from Mcdonalds and still be hungry.  I could eat endless amounts of fried chicken, fries, biscuits, grits, sandwiches, you name it and I would have taken three.  These days I eat Western Family Macaroni (65 cents a box), grilled cheese (occasionally with tomato soup), and quesadillas. Apparently these are the three cheapest meals/easiest meals you can eat as a college kid.  And although I am now a BOSS at making all three of these things, my stomach is tired of them.  I used to love macaroni, I used to be so excited when we would cook it for dinner, now I despise it and dread eating it, yet I still do.  Grilled Cheese were rarity's, for some reason I never made them at home - this is currently my go to meal.  Cheese quesadillas, yum - but also frustrating to eat every other day.  Sometimes I splurge and buy myself pringles, I eat a few a day so I can make sure they last.  I still own two boxed of hamburger helper...but no hamburger.  I can't wait to go home and have my mom cook for me again...or go out to eat and not have to pay for it.

I go home in 24 days, not that i'm counting.

********

"You are more that the choices that you've made,

You are more that the sum of your past mistakes, 

You are more that the problems you create,

You've been remade."

i wish...

In case you guys didn't know, its 11/11/11
although, I missed the first 11:11am because I wasn't paying attention, and i'll probably miss the 11:11pm for the same reason - whooops.

BUT - if I would have made a ton of wishes I would have wished that:
1. It could suddenly become Christmas season and I would be home.
2. The states would rearrange themselves and Utah would be next to North Carolina.
3. The snow would never ever come.
4. I could have bojangles sitting on my lap.
5. I could be home when Corey gets off his mission.
6. Someone would hire me.
7. I would have more bojangles.
8. I could visit the beach.
9. I could look into time and figure out all the answers I want right now.
10. I would be surrounded my cheerwine and cookout milkshakes.
11. world peace.
HA, i really just want some chicken.

things that make me happy

going to my favorite place with my favorite friends

climbing fake trees in restaurants

random dance parties with my roommates

pillow pets

little brothers who will take lots of pictures with me

words of wisdom from Jesse

knowing my sister and brother are out changing peoples lives

that I have such a GOOD LOOKIN mom, and that she really does take care of me better than anyone else.

I love my siblings more than anything.  I think high school brought me closer with the boys.  Me and Corey have always gotten along, but it wasn't until I was a freshman and we rode to school together did we really become best friends. We went to Dennys at midnight to eat brownies and talk about our current love lives, and how I hated girls in high school..  

Me and Jesse RARELY got along, and I hated it.  Everything with us was a fight, and it was usually me yelling at him.  But when he reached high school we became best friends too, literally.  I told that boy everything about the girls that hated me, and the boys that I was falling after.  When he thought a guy was going to screw me over, he told me, and he was always right.  When we were at the beach we sat next to each other in chairs at the edge of the water and we just talked about everything, mostly me leaving for college.  He told me he would miss me, its one of my favorite memories. He recently broke his ankle and has to get surgery on friday. SAD.  I just want to be home and sit with him and have a movie marathon and eat lots of bojangles, because we do that really well.

Everyone always gets along with Bradley.  When even I talk to my mom and hear him in the background I get so sad and it takes all my might not to cry.  That little boy owns my heart, and I miss him with everything.  He is always willing to take pictures with me, and he pretends to give me piggy back rides.  I kick him out of my room a lot when i'm trying to watch movies, and he always comes back and runs straight into my closed door, then laughs, and sticks his head in.  I act so annoyed, but then I laugh and secretly love it.  He is the sweetest little boy you will ever me, and I know he was sent to our family for a reason.

My sister rocks.  She never drove me to high school and we've always been tight. She was the best big sister.  She would play paper dolls with me and let me sleep in her bed at night.  We made up secret hand shakes every night in the Sago Lane house, and she even let me decorate clothes with her.  We hand write each other letters now that shes on a mish.  Those letters are ALWAYS filled with boy stories that I have, or boys she wants to send me, or that boy who is on her mind - because face it, if we were together that is the exact thing we would be talking about anyways.

 I have the best mom.  We talk everyday, about everything.  That dates I go on, school, potential work, and what i'm worried about.  The other day she texted me and said, "are you worried about coming home?  Don't worry about it, I will get you here.  I will sell myself if I have too!" Seriously, I have the best mom.  She always seems to make everything work.  Money was tight, but every Sunday we had lunch or dinner as a family.  She always made sure we had lunch money, and that I can do things like go to college in Utah.  She also comments on all my facebook stuff, which I love, and my roommates love.  I don't know all your moms, but I really do think mine is better.

I have an awesome dad too, I know there is no picture, but thats because he some how finds a way to stay away from them.  I love my dad, although I am able to talk all the time like my mom, I got a lot of things from my dad besides my man hands and ugly feet. I can be quiet like my dad.  I am able to sit in a room and not feel the need to talk to the person next to me, often I feel thats how my dad is too.  He's tough, and works hard for our family.  At one point he lived in Charleston for two years on a contract job, he does what he can to provide for our family.  He fixes our cars, and plays trains with bradley.  He works third shift, but still found time to go to Bradleys t-ball games and coach the little kids past first base.  He lived away from us for two years, but drove home every weeked and still made it to our sporting events.  Before I left for college he told me how proud he was that  I was going to run in college, that is also one of my favorite memories.

I love my family.

also: check out this BALLIN blog - its seriously amazing.

My life is pretty bland.

I woke up this morning and thought, "Man, I can't wait to come home and nap."
True Life: I'm the most interesting college kid ever <- LIE.
I am so boring, SO BORING.
Let me tell you, I love being by myself, thats weird right?
But I love it, and i'm so good at it - ask my roommates.
I love being able to sit in my room with my headphones on and watch my tv shows, or blog, or actually write in my real life journal.  I don't always have to have plans and I don't always have to be going somewhere.
I love to watch movies, and I love to sit in one place and not move for hours.
I don't really remember being this way before college - but I have small memories of when I was.
Before I came to Utah I was a taxi.

Picked kids up for seminary, drove to school, went to practice, drove home, got Brad from Mrs. Rhondas, drove Jesse to piano, let Brad ride his bike during piano lessons, drove home, drove myself to tutoring, drove Jesse to tutoring, sometimes pit stopped good ol bojangles for me and the boys.

I am not in any way trying to say my parents were absent in this time of my high school life.  My parents worked their butts off for our family AND provided me with a car, with a car came responsibilities and those responsibilities included my brothers - which I love and enjoy driving them places.

Anyways, I always felt like when I did have time to myself...it wasn't really too myself.  I could always hear Bradley running around and playing, and Jesses guitar going which is usually why I sought refuge in other places - like Rachels house.  But here, at college, its almost ALWAYS quiet in my apartment.  This may be because my roommates have lives and don't like sitting by themselves, so they're always gone - or they're just never loud.  I love it.  I'm not used to having all this time to...sit.  I love it, and I take advantage of it.  I have come to terms with the fact that I may be the most boring kid.

More Examples:

This boy in my math class asks me every monday how my weekend was, what did I do, that kinda thing.  I always pause, laugh, and tell him I did nothing.  Sometimes he looks astonished, but I think he is getting used to it.  He also asked what things I had done around Provo since I had been here, I replied, "ummm, i've been to Sammys, the mall, the tumbling gym and the McDonalds down the street." I have SUCH an interesting life.

_________________________________________________________________

Somedays I do things for myself, even though I know I don't need too.  Sometimes I splurge and buy subway at school, sometimes I go to TJ MAXX and buy things that excite me.

I did that yesterday with Adriana.

I am now a proud owner of...

-6 pairs of socks, all bright colored, and every set had a different smiley face with a different mood.

-I also own a new pair of pretty crappy purple head phones.  (I'm really bad with headphones, I always break them so only one ear works unless you hold the wire in just the right place.)

-AND a travel mug so now I can bring hot chocolate to school with me.  I love this little guy.  He is green and has skateboarders all over him.  (I would have picked a cute more girly one but none of them had a opening that could be shut, so I went for the tomboy 5 year old one.)

Buying these three things made me more happy than you could imagine, and I know it was totally worth the money!

__________________________________________________________________

I am obsessed with pinterest.  Awesome right?  Because I of all people need one more thing to be addicted to.   If you've never done it, or looked at it, you should.  Never once in my life have I ever really thought about my wedding, or what I want, or the colors, or decorations or anything.  I've never been that girl.  But on pinterest I have a board called, "The Most Ballin Wedding Ever" and it is anything and everything that I could probably want and will probably never actually do - but the ideas are so cute!  I also have a board where I pretend i'm this really awesome baker and can make all these delicious desserts and easy dinners for my families or roommates.  When in reality, thats not me either.  I can make a dang good grilled cheese, and thats about my extent right now.  But I pretend I can! And that I have all the ingredients I need to make "Cheesey Quesadilla Puffs"  Really, this site is awesome, and you should probably become addicted too.

________________________________________________________________

Although I was not an avid Harry Potter book reader, I was at the movie theater every midnight premiere standing in line waiting for the doors to be opened.  I saw this video on one of my friends walls and had to repost it.  I thought it was absolutely beautiful, and almost brought some tears.

please enjoy.

So remember that time...

When you thought you were really cool, and then realized you probably weren't?
This happens to me quite often.
-In the 6th grade it was that my locker was on the 7th grade hallway
-In the 7th grade it was that I was able to run for the full ten minutes during PE.
-In the 8th grade it was the fact that I had the same purse as one of the 'coolest' girls in the grade.
(I loved that purse with all my heart, it was a brown ROXY one and I even put buttons on it.)
-Also in the 8th grade I decided that I was 'too cool' to run for the full ten minutes, so I walked it.
-My freshman year it was that I dyed my hair pink - only for it to fade a few days later and I was left with bleached tips.
-My sophomore year it was that I had the boy I wanted for the longest time, and I was able to walk to his house.
-My junior year I carried around a bright yellow book bag that had my sisters name on it.
-My senior year I stayed out late with boys, and kissed a lot of them.
-These days I walk into Maceys with all my roommates, all loud, all obnoxious, and we go grocery shopping together.
In these moments, I think i'm pretty cool.  Who wouldn't like college kids filling up there grocery store, being annoying and shoving themselves into carts and weaving in and out of incoming traffic, and of course stopping in the middle of aisles for well needed pictures.  One day I will look back and probably talk about how dumb I was, but for now, I love me.  In my middle school days I loved my brown purse, I loved play cops and robbers  in the hall way after cleaning the lunch tables.  I was on the CUTEST boys top 8 friend list (number one in fact) and I walked into class right on time.  I dyed my hair and carried book bags that didn't belong to me.  I hugged boys in the hallway, ate my bojangles during class, and did everything but study.

I loved me then, and I love me now.  Isn't that whats important?  Loving yourself.  Even when youre dumb, and you make a fool out of yourself - as long as you can laugh at yourself its all you need.  I've found that our a lot since i've been here.  I get sad a lot, I miss my family, and being warm.  But its nights like tonight, where i'm able to be annoying in a grocery store where i'm about to apply for a job at, that i'm alright.  I was put in an apartment with girls who I KNOW I was meant to meet.  I prayed and prayed that I would be put with girls who could understand me, girls who wouldn't be catty and wouldn't judge me.  (If you knew me in high school, you would realize that the extent of girls that I was friends with reached to about...three) These girls are just what I needed, just what I wanted.